Study in Blue
I've been suicidal most of my adult life. It has become more and more acute over the years and in spite of trying everything possible, I turned to my peers for the answers nowhere else provided.
Not the Void is a space where I can stay silent and hear my story told again and again, where I gain validation and most importantly insight and the will to go on. It is far away from the void experienced when accessing services and provides me with a community who gets it and who regularly go searching for flowers in places only the rarest species survive.
Space
Hi, I am a mad autistic asteroid. I have used mental health services on and off since I was a child. Services suck but sometimes there is some tiny gem of usefulness to be found (if you look really, really hard).
I much prefer the support we create for ourselves and have been attending since the first meeting even one time when I was sectioned.
I don’t know what I expected really but what we have managed to create between us is just the most beautiful, raging, fierce collective to be found this side of the galaxy. Not The Void is often the highlight of my week.
I know that sounds strange. You might imagine its a bunch of people hanging out being miserable. Well sometimes it is. We talk about things that are really sad, unjust, painful, frightening and often things with no fix, quick or otherwise. And we do feel it, because this is Not The Void. If you tell us what hurts we will feel it with you. And we will see your spirit, the beauty of this being who is still here despite the harms and the injustices.
Beyond the pain there is a world of love and humour - we really often laugh. If you want to end yourself maybe give us a go. We won't stop you by immediately calling authorities but we will want you to stay. This is the thing services don’t get. Safety happens inside good relationships.
Not The Void is a place where we care about each other and we care what happens to each other. When I am not Not The Voiding I can generally be found riding my bike, hanging out in nature, or free falling through space with my asteroid mates.
Even the Dark
I’ve lived with suicidal ideation since adolescence. It has been both a source of terror and relief, but for most of that time I never had an arena to talk about or explore it. Sharing has brought risks and consequences; incorrect diagnoses, changes in therapy and in how I was treated as a person. Thus being suicidal or self-destructive has been a lonely experience, something to keep away from the rest of the world.
Not the Void has enabled me to connect to other people even when I do not really wish to be here. I have been met with compassion and understanding, which has made me feel less lonely. Attending the meetings has given me a space to acknowledge my suicidality. I am now more comfortable recognising it as a part of my life, and I have a community of people who welcome all of me, even the dark stuff. I find it is less lonely to be suicidal when I know I’m not alone. And the things within me that thrive and grow in the dark get exposed to some light for a time every other Sunday, and that has made them less terrifying to live with.
Talking about suicide sounds like a very heavy thing, and it can be. This is an empathetic bunch; we will feel your pain and empathise with you. But we also laugh a lot, and the conversation moves so naturally and beautifully between the heavy and the light. The people of Not the Void do not fix each other (maybe there is no fix), but we are there with and for each other, and that is just as powerful.