Study in Blue
I've been suicidal most of my adult life. It has become more and more acute over the years and in spite of trying everything possible, I turned to my peers for the answers nowhere else provided.
Not the Void is a space where I can stay silent and hear my story told again and again, where I gain validation and most importantly insight and the will to go on. It is far away from the void experienced when accessing services and provides me with a community who gets it and who regularly go searching for flowers in places only the rarest species survive.
Space
Hi, I am a mad autistic asteroid. I have used mental health services on and off since I was a child. Services suck but sometimes there is some tiny gem of usefulness to be found (if you look really, really hard).
I much prefer the support we create for ourselves and have been attending since the first meeting even one time when I was sectioned.
I don’t know what I expected really but what we have managed to create between us is just the most beautiful, raging, fierce collective to be found this side of the galaxy. Not The Void is often the highlight of my week.
I know that sounds strange. You might imagine its a bunch of people hanging out being miserable. Well sometimes it is. We talk about things that are really sad, unjust, painful, frightening and often things with no fix, quick or otherwise. And we do feel it, because this is Not The Void. If you tell us what hurts we will feel it with you. And we will see your spirit, the beauty of this being who is still here despite the harms and the injustices.
Beyond the pain there is a world of love and humour - we really often laugh. If you want to end yourself maybe give us a go. We won't stop you by immediately calling authorities but we will want you to stay. This is the thing services don’t get. Safety happens inside good relationships.
Not The Void is a place where we care about each other and we care what happens to each other. When I am not Not The Voiding I can generally be found riding my bike, hanging out in nature, or free falling through space with my asteroid mates.
Through the storm
My brain has always turned to suicide when things are hard as long as I can remember. Sharing about suicide with mental health services usually comes with risk assessments and suddenly losing my autonomy and choice, and talking with people who want to support me but don't understand hurts too.
Not The Void lets me talk about things that are affecting me without having to explain basic parts of myself and aspects of my life (dissociation, gender, my experiences of the mental health system) and is so valuable to me. It also feels supportive that if I only want responses from people who relate to my experience, or if I don't want advice, or even not wanting any responses, that preference is respected.
Often the feelings don't go away or be 'fixed', but it feels like others in the group sit alongside me with those feelings and hold them with me for the hour and when I'm really struggling even the small moments of relief matter. The situation often still sucks profoundly, but at least we're in the same/similar boat with it and I'm not strange or broken for feeling how I do.